Starting over.

So... the morning began well and I was looking forward to this maybe being "the day" Homecoming. um... Tobi is back on a feeding tube and a bililight blanket. His bili went up 3 more points today and he isn't getting enough to eat even with the special bottle. He is doing ok, Mama is not. I am on an emotional rollercoaster and I don't feel like there is an end in sight because each day brings something new. I just want to be home with my family and I was looking forward to having Easter at least. It is looking like that isn't going to be happening. I feel a little bit defeated today and like I just want to let go of it all. They tell me to one thing, I do it. Then they tell me to do something else, I do it. Then wait, let's go back to the other thing and add this one thing to it. I know that they are doing their jobs and they are doing them well. I so appreciate each everyone of them. It is just difficult on my end. Matt too. And I know Will is feeling this too. I hope he doesn't think this is all Tobi's fault. I pray for him all the time and for our family. I know that God is holding us in His hands. I just wish I could feel those hands a little more at times. I know that I am exhausted both mentally and physically and just want to sleep with my baby at home.

I do get to hold him now, however, since moving to the rooming in room for two nights I no longer have the same nursery room now and there really is no room here. There is room for my chair and Tobi's crib thing. I am feeling a bit like I am in a dungeon. Boy, I sound like a whiny baby. Don't I? This isn't really how I figured I would spend my postpartum days recovering. The bath at home last night did help a lot. Now it is just one day at a time. One day at a time. I need some patience and some hope to look forward to. So, pray he starts to take his bottle. They also want to move me hospitals because the NICU is so full. Did I mention I feel like a displaced orphan? haha... oh boy and I am growing here.