Progress?

Progress?

Tobi came off his IV, and has started to breastfeed. He is going to be coming out from under his lights in the morning. These are all awesome things yet, I feel like I am not stepping forward. I know that my emotions are all over and it is hard being here. I know I have said but this is the hardest thing I have done. I ache to hold my son and I sit by him while he is right there. I love the moments I get to hold him and he snuggles up deep in my chest. He cries and I can just console him with a pat and my voice. He cried up a storm today and so they let me take him out. The second I held him he stopped and fell asleep. He just wanted me. 

The whole breastfeeding thing is hard too. With a preemie, even one as big as him, they tire out really fast. This makes breastfeeding difficult. And... this is the thing we are waiting for to go home. I am pumping a ton and have a great milk supply, but I want him to get it from me, not a tube. I am thankful it is my breast milk at least. The other difficult thing is that since he is in the lights I have a set time to feed him weather he is ready or not. As we know babies don't adapt to our schedules so well as they do what they want, when they want to. God is teaching me patience with Him, and myself. Imagine this, I am an overachiever. And this is an area that cannot be over achieved. I have to be patient with the progress and know that it will come. This place begins to feel like a dungeon after awhile and I am going a bit crazy. Matt has taken me out a couple times but not for long as I don't want to be away from him and I need to not miss a feeding. My body needs to heal too and it is hard to do hear. I am trying desperately to cling to the promises God has given me and not let all the changes devastate me. I have learned that the NICU world is a rollercoaster of emotions depending on who is in charge for that shift. I am not one to have my goals changed on someone else’s discretion. Wow, don't I have a lot to learn right now. 

Really, things are good and I am just emotional and yearning to be home with my family. The split in two thing is hard for all of us. We need to be together. Soon. Very soon. I pray.