Home at last!!
SO, Easter morning I went home for breakfast with the family. We did a basket for Will and hid some eggs. It was nice to be home with everyone but it was hard not having Tobi with us. When we went back to the hospital we asked what was left for us to look for. They wanted to watch his weight and watch his eating and we should be go home in the morning. I asked why we couldn't go home then. After talking to nurses and getting a hold of doctors they finally said we could go if he took his next feed well. The nurse was nice but did a great job at making me feel like if I didn't do everything right I was going to have a dead baby when I got home. I was a nervous wreck when the feed came around. It was like taking a really important test but not really having any control over the results.
He did really well and I am still amazed because it had to have been only God. I finished up all the paperwork and we were able to leave. It was an odd feeling. I was waiting for that moment and now it was just there. They wheeled me out with Tobi and Will finally got to meet him. He slept the whole way home in the car. Will kept saying how he was so happy and he said that he was so soft. It was weird to finally be home with him.
I wish that I could say that I have just chilled out and enjoyed being home but I have been obsessed with how much he is eating. They want him to eat so much so many times a day and I have been paranoid because it has been a struggle to get him to eat it. I feel that I am force feeding him and that stresses us both out. He really is doing well and pooping and peeing like he needs to be. I wish I was able to nurse because then I wouldn't even be able to see ounces and amounts like I am watching. Then I would probably find something else to freak out about. I know that I am still tired and that I am weak from the birth. Thankfully Matt is taking off this whole week and he has been a blessing. When I really start to freak out he calms me down. I wish I could just let it go and enjoy this amazing gift of my baby and my family. It is also hard because he is on his billi blanket here at home so I can't really snuggle with him a lot yet or wear him in my sling. Hopefully tomorrow he will be able to get off of it. We had his blood drawn this morning and are waiting on the result of that test. He goes to see our family doc tomorrow and that should help me too. I really like our doc and I trust him. I can ask him what he thinks about the feeding and go from there.
Overall I am so happy to be home and that Will finally gets to see and be with his brother. Tobi just wants to sleep and there really isn't much noise that seems to bother him at all. He really is a sweet baby. He loves to sleep at night which is nice but for now is hard because I have to wake him every 3 hours and he DOES NOT like to wake up and eat. =) He loves to sleep. I know that he really needs him sleep so I become torn between sleeping and eating. Where is the line and what is the balance? I am praying for peace and wisdom as we adjust back to life. It will all work out and I know I will look back and wonder why I ever worried about him eating. He is growing and I know he is going to be a big boy. I am so thankful for him and him being here with us. I can't wait to release all of my anxiety and just soak him in. To throw off all of the fear that I have an replace it with peace. God is good and I know that He is holdling us in His hands. I say again and again, this is by far the hardest thing I have had to do and I feel so weak and insignificant. Like everything i have ever know is thrown out the window. God has allowed me to be humbled and brought down to lay at His feet and beg for mercy. I can only do through Him and I wouldn't have it any other way. God is good. All the time.
He did really well and I am still amazed because it had to have been only God. I finished up all the paperwork and we were able to leave. It was an odd feeling. I was waiting for that moment and now it was just there. They wheeled me out with Tobi and Will finally got to meet him. He slept the whole way home in the car. Will kept saying how he was so happy and he said that he was so soft. It was weird to finally be home with him.
I wish that I could say that I have just chilled out and enjoyed being home but I have been obsessed with how much he is eating. They want him to eat so much so many times a day and I have been paranoid because it has been a struggle to get him to eat it. I feel that I am force feeding him and that stresses us both out. He really is doing well and pooping and peeing like he needs to be. I wish I was able to nurse because then I wouldn't even be able to see ounces and amounts like I am watching. Then I would probably find something else to freak out about. I know that I am still tired and that I am weak from the birth. Thankfully Matt is taking off this whole week and he has been a blessing. When I really start to freak out he calms me down. I wish I could just let it go and enjoy this amazing gift of my baby and my family. It is also hard because he is on his billi blanket here at home so I can't really snuggle with him a lot yet or wear him in my sling. Hopefully tomorrow he will be able to get off of it. We had his blood drawn this morning and are waiting on the result of that test. He goes to see our family doc tomorrow and that should help me too. I really like our doc and I trust him. I can ask him what he thinks about the feeding and go from there.
Overall I am so happy to be home and that Will finally gets to see and be with his brother. Tobi just wants to sleep and there really isn't much noise that seems to bother him at all. He really is a sweet baby. He loves to sleep at night which is nice but for now is hard because I have to wake him every 3 hours and he DOES NOT like to wake up and eat. =) He loves to sleep. I know that he really needs him sleep so I become torn between sleeping and eating. Where is the line and what is the balance? I am praying for peace and wisdom as we adjust back to life. It will all work out and I know I will look back and wonder why I ever worried about him eating. He is growing and I know he is going to be a big boy. I am so thankful for him and him being here with us. I can't wait to release all of my anxiety and just soak him in. To throw off all of the fear that I have an replace it with peace. God is good and I know that He is holdling us in His hands. I say again and again, this is by far the hardest thing I have had to do and I feel so weak and insignificant. Like everything i have ever know is thrown out the window. God has allowed me to be humbled and brought down to lay at His feet and beg for mercy. I can only do through Him and I wouldn't have it any other way. God is good. All the time.
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