Baby Tobi

So.. a week ago I got up and was just doing my normal, lay in bed thing. I went to take a shower and i just cramped up hard. It would not release and I started to try everything. It wasn't stopping. It was really painful so I got Matt and told him to call a midwife friend of mine. I didn't think I was in labor but... it was hurting and not stopping. She came over and decided to check me because I was starting to sound like a mom in labor. =) I was at 5 cm then and so we just kinda talked about what to do. I still didn't believe I was in complete labor because there was not coming and going with the pain. It was just steady.

I walked around as much as I could and we listened to baby and took vitals and everything was fine. I wanted to see what was happening. I wanted to stay home because being a first time mom I knew it could be a while if this was the real thing. I got in the tub and it was better but the pain was harder and stronger what seemed like each minute. Within three hours I was completely dilated and having an urge to push. We knew we were going to need to get going. Matt was getting everything together and I was no help with anything. At this point it hurt so bad that I kept saying I couldn't do it and that I wanted to give up. =) Matt lovingly told me it was a little too late for that and was trying to get me to get in the car. I could feel the pressure and each contraction (yes, at that point there were definite contractions) was worse. I was pushing because I couldn't help it which was not exciting to Matt. I don't know how I got into that car or down to the hospital. It took Matt about 45 min to get me in the car and by the time we got to the hospital I thought that I was going to die. I was being dramatic and I didn't care. Matt wheeled me up to Labor and Delivery and the nurse started asking us registration questions and I just looked at her and told her I was complete and pushing. She freaked a little and there were four people all a sudden trying to get me in a room. The asked me a ton of questions and i don't remember a single one. Matt answered them and I was in my own world. I know there were a ton of people in the room yet I could have cared less. How different than I ever imagines and how different than all the births I have had a priviledge of attending. I was pushing and nothing was happening. Baby's heart rate was high and i kept asking about how the baby was. I looked at Matt at one point and asked for something for the pain. I don't remember that but I believe it. I remember thinking that there is no was I could do this and trying to think of a way out of it. There wasn't one. I kept looking at the doctor after each push and asking if I was close. I could feel the baby and yet I thought they were just going to be stuck in there.

I did push them out and the doctor said it was a boy! we both were a little surprised as we both were convinced it was a girl. I got to hold him for a brief minute before they took over to the other side of the room. I told Matt to stay with him while they worked on him. They had him for awhile then they had to take him to NICU. Matt stayed with him the whole time and I had to wait for my placenta. It wasn't coming and I had lost quite a bit of blood so they wanted to do a manual removal. I asked them to wait and they didn't feel comfortable so they gave me a crazy drug that I don't remember anything. I had him at 7:17 that night and I wasn't able to see him again until after 1 am. That was hard.

Matt didn't leave him which I was glad for and he was only on oxygen until right before midnight. He was a champ. When I finally got to hold him I was so happy. He was covered in wires and IVs and things but he was here and he was ours. It took two days but we named him Tobin "Tobi" Carl Taplin. He was 7 lbs 10 oz. 19 3/4 in long and was born at 34 weeks 5 days. He is a big boy. I wasn't discharged for three days because of my blood loss and Tobi is still here. I am staying in the NICU with him and I do have a little room to sleep in. It is on a day to day basis but I am thankful.

Tobi has been under the bililights for his biliribbon and still has an IV. He is eating through a tube because he hasn't got down the whole breastfeeding thing. The great thing is that it is all my breastmilk though so at least he is getting that. A day after he was born they noticed that he has a cleft soft palate and that was a little overwhelming. The doctor who talked to us made it sound really bad and that it will change life drastically. Well, after talking with nurses and lactation consultants and working with Tobi, I don't think it is going to be that big of a deal. It will be a bit more challenging and we will probably do surgery a little after he is a year old. Honestly, if I had to choose something "wrong" this is a minor thing to have. He is so beautiful and perfect. The staff is very breastfeeding friendly and has helped me so so much. Not once have they pushed a bottle on me. The doctor did want him to use this one special bottle for cleft palates but Tobi would have nothing to do with it. He prefers the breast. We are working on it because he is so sleepy due to the higher biliribbon levels. I am praying for it to drop so he can come off tonight, he comes off his IV tonight too. He is doing really well but I am anxious to go home with him.I have been staying with him the whole time and they gave me a room for now to sleep in between feedings if I want. I can't leave.

This all has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. God has stretched me and molded me and shown me so much during this time. I am thankful and yet exhausted beyond what I have known. It is a struggle to not be able to hold my baby and feed him whenever he needs or when I want. I am thankful for all the staff and what they have done for me and my baby. I can't wait to hold him without the wires and cords and IVs and everything. He is so special and precious. He is a fighter and so I am holding on to that. He really has not been in any danger which is a blessing it is just the rollercoaster of the unknown.

I know I am also recovering from having a baby and I have been a bad girl by pushing that aside and only worrying about Tobi. I am praying that God is watching over me and seeing my heart so that I don't have issues later. I did lose quite a bit of blood so I am pretty week but I don't want to be anywhere else. My milk supply is good which is a blessing because of all the people who have helped me. I am feeling pretty good considering how fast my labor and delivery were. It feels like it never really happened even though I thought I was dying while I was going through it. hahah... God is so good. Which is the meaning of Tobin's name. I do have a peace but it comes and goes with my emotions and struggles. I miss Matt so so much and my Will. He isn't able to see Tobi yet because of RSV which breaks my heart a little bit. He wants to meet him so bad. It is a challenge. Matt has been having to take care of everything and has had Will a lot. Mom has been able to help and take him when she can, but she has life too that can't just stop. It is working though and we take it one day at a time. Or for me, one feeding at a time. I will be glad to be home in my bed with all my boys. I can't wait to have our family finally be together. Even though it has only been a week now it feels much longer than that. I will keep updates but please pray. Love to all.