Good Friday
Today I decided that I was sick of crying and being so down. We are here and there is nothing that I can do about it. Tobi is healthy and happy and so amazing. The little guy right next to us is not. He is struggling just to live. I look at my Tobi and how can I not see how blessed I am. Yes, he is struggling with the whole eating thing. But he is going to get there soon and we are going to go home.
I was holding him today and we were feeding, I was looking at the clock and the amount he was eating and I was fretting. Then, I felt God saying that I needed to let go of it. I looked at him again and was overwhelmed with how much I am in love with him. He is perfect in absolutely every way and God made him that way. All of this that we are going through is for a reason. It is part of our story. I was reading in Psalms and these verses stood out. "Oh give thanks in the Lord, for he is good; for his steadast love endures forever!" and "this is the Lords doing it is marvelous in our eyes. This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:1,23-24. I have so much to be thankful for. I am tired, I am frustrated and I am weary. My body still hurts and I want desperately to be home with my family, and yet... I am so blessed. My body hurts because I was able to experience the miracle of birth, I am tired because I am taking care of an amazing little boy, I am frustrated because I want what is best for that little boy, and I am weary because God is allowing me to go through this trial. How great is that? Does this make it easier? No, but it makes it worth it. Isn't it true that nothing good comes easy? I believe it.
I did get to leave the hospital for a bit while Matt hanged out with the Tobi. I took Will home and took a bath, washed some clothes and enjoyed the weather. I drove today for the first time since February. It was nice. I feel like Will is growing up so fast and he told me that he thinks it is a dumb rule that he can't see his baby brother. i told him that I agreed. He is so sweet. He prayed for his brother that Jesus would give him the strength to eat his food so he could come home. He also told me that he would tell him to be strong that his big brother loves him so much. That is one great kid. I couldn't have asked for more than I have with my boys. All of them. I have two sons!! GOD IS GOOD. and.. by the way... Tobi took two of his feeds totally from the bottle in less than 30 min. Which for us is a big deal. We are waiting to see what tomorrow brings with his weight, billirubin levels, and what the docs say.
So overall, today was a better day. Nothing really significant changed except my attitude. One day at a time. I really long to be home with my family for Easter, but if that doesn't happen then I lean on the fact that God is control and no one can steal the joy that I have with what He has given me. The good the bad and the tiring. =)
I was holding him today and we were feeding, I was looking at the clock and the amount he was eating and I was fretting. Then, I felt God saying that I needed to let go of it. I looked at him again and was overwhelmed with how much I am in love with him. He is perfect in absolutely every way and God made him that way. All of this that we are going through is for a reason. It is part of our story. I was reading in Psalms and these verses stood out. "Oh give thanks in the Lord, for he is good; for his steadast love endures forever!" and "this is the Lords doing it is marvelous in our eyes. This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:1,23-24. I have so much to be thankful for. I am tired, I am frustrated and I am weary. My body still hurts and I want desperately to be home with my family, and yet... I am so blessed. My body hurts because I was able to experience the miracle of birth, I am tired because I am taking care of an amazing little boy, I am frustrated because I want what is best for that little boy, and I am weary because God is allowing me to go through this trial. How great is that? Does this make it easier? No, but it makes it worth it. Isn't it true that nothing good comes easy? I believe it.
I did get to leave the hospital for a bit while Matt hanged out with the Tobi. I took Will home and took a bath, washed some clothes and enjoyed the weather. I drove today for the first time since February. It was nice. I feel like Will is growing up so fast and he told me that he thinks it is a dumb rule that he can't see his baby brother. i told him that I agreed. He is so sweet. He prayed for his brother that Jesus would give him the strength to eat his food so he could come home. He also told me that he would tell him to be strong that his big brother loves him so much. That is one great kid. I couldn't have asked for more than I have with my boys. All of them. I have two sons!! GOD IS GOOD. and.. by the way... Tobi took two of his feeds totally from the bottle in less than 30 min. Which for us is a big deal. We are waiting to see what tomorrow brings with his weight, billirubin levels, and what the docs say.
So overall, today was a better day. Nothing really significant changed except my attitude. One day at a time. I really long to be home with my family for Easter, but if that doesn't happen then I lean on the fact that God is control and no one can steal the joy that I have with what He has given me. The good the bad and the tiring. =)
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