Pregnancy Reflections

If you have been around me at all you know how incredibly excited and happy I am to still be pregnant at this point. I am almost 38 weeks and have made it three weeks past when I had my Tobin and 7 whole weeks past when my water broke with him. I am perfectly pregnant, fat and uncomfortable and I love it. I know that my baby is safe and that now being term we are good to go. It is amazing how many emotions have brought me this far and how hard it has been. I have been at a constant reminder that my faith is not in myself or my body but the ONE who allowed all of this to happen in the first place.


As I sit here this morning waiting for my boys to wake up I can't help but look back at how we got to this point. Most people can thankfully get pregnant normally and take a test at home to find out it is true. That is not the case with us. This is the day last year that I found out our embryo transfer did not work. I have mixed feelings of extreme joy and yet some sadness from that day. How beautiful the full circle is. I thought we were done last time and that there would be no way to go through this again. God has other plans. I am thankful for persistent nurses and me subtly nagging Matt. I can feel our sweet baby moving around now and I am excited to know that I get to meet him/her soon. God truly is so GOOD. Feeling the movement and being as massively pregnant as I am makes all the shots, tests, medications, labs, doctor visits, ultrasounds and many many people worth it. Every step.

There is something amazing not knowing anything about my baby, what will they look like? I know this is always the case, but there is no "will they have my chin?" "will they look like their daddy?" It is a complete surprise and even more so with this one because we don't even know which embryo of the two sets took. It is exciting. I also love not knowing if it is a girl or a boy because I feel it is the one "normal" thing I can do that I have no control over.


This time around has also been a little more difficult because I have allowed my midwife brain take over a bit more. I have been praying more and more lately that I will shut that off and allow myself to be pregnant, to labor, to birth and not allow my "knowledge" get in my way. This time is different. I am sitting waiting for it to begin, but not with dread. It is ok whenever it happens. That is so freeing. It is still a little scary, but so wonderful. We are going to meet this baby soon!


I look at my children and no matter how hard it has been to get them and how much heartache I have gone through I wouldn't trade any moment, instance or time for them. I can not imagine my life without their wild, crazy, silly faces. They are me and Matt through and through to the point it is a little terrifying. haha... I wonder what this one will be. It hit me the other day how much I don't ever think of them not being my "blood" when a friend we have known through Will's gymnastics for a couple years had no idea that Will or Tobin was adopted. I smiled because God picked them and made them for us. I know I sometimes wish I could do the whole "my eyes" "Matt's nose" thing but really, Will is a mini Matt and Tobi has so many trates of me. Does that really matter? NO. We are all adopted into God's family anyways and we are from Him too. I am just so blessed that God chose us to fill this role. He spent many years preparing our hearts for this path and a beautiful path it is. I am thankful for the lessons he has taught me through it all. It is an adventure. and... isn't it that way no matter how you get your children. One advantage of being a midwife is that women are always telling me their birth stories and I love hearing all the different ways women become mothers. Every one of them is different and unique like us all. God is amazing and works beautifully through our lives. He writes our stories that are only our own.


The story of this new life in our lives has already begun and we are anticipating the arrival into our family. The room is ready, everything is out for my midwives to come, the house is attempting to be kept "clean" and I pray we get to have this baby at home where I long to. Where we can all be there. Here is to the next step in the journey. (I hope I can do it... )